There are three words that I want to say. Out loud, possibly in a shouting voice. Three very sensitive, meaningful words, that can change anything from a blackandwhite conversation to the mood of a party. These three words can be so powerful, they may even change the person saying them. The three words are a journey, in which I am about to embark on. A very adventurous, up&down roller-coaster, journey. And the three words are...
I. Am. Sad.
In the Bible (KJV of course) the Lord says certain things repeatively so the people will remember it. Or so they understand it.
Have you ever noticed the more you say a word, the funnier the word becomes? Say your name ten times very slowely.
Courtney. Courtney. Court-ney. Coor-T-neh. Coar-te-neay. cooartinay. COURTNey. courtnEY. COURTNEY. CouRTney.
I have a peculair name. What I am trying to get at is a word or a phrase sticks in your mind if you call upon it often. Though I don't say it aloud, I know I. Am. Sad. Because I think it so much. I'll be sitting in church next to loved ones, so close to Jesus' presance and light, but I still feel the darkness. When the stars are shining and I can see certain loved ones up there. A sort of shadow is cast over me, and I feel the waves of, an almost resentful, and angry, yet completely lost, emotion start to settle in. I can see the dark blue eyes of T.B. (no, it's not terberculousis.) Looking inside my very being. Acting as a sort of key that God gave him. As if the key is for opening my heart, and putting inside what I need, and what God needs to put in me.
Now maybe my feelings of loss and sadness are pushed aside by a greater feeling of hope, but they are still inside me hiding. And only I know truly why I. Am. Sad.
I miss my friend, Lena. I miss her presence on earth. Just knowing that I could call her, and now I can't hurts. I hurt so intensly sometimes it hurts to breathe. It physically hurts to breathe, and waking up with a tear-soaked face makes me feel as though not even my dreams can provide escape and relief. Confiding in people is harder than I can handle. It's not that I don't want to "Burdon" them with my hurt, but more of I just don't know how to. I know how to hurt around T.B. Because I can see he's hurt too, I can see he needs me just as much as I need him in that moment when his grief and my grief collide and consciencely and simultaneously we both miss Lena. I know how to fall around him. I know how To. Be. Sad. around him, because I know He's. Sad. Too.
Sometimes I feel that since she died in April, I should be fine by now. But other times I know that no amount of time can completely heal the wound that has threatened my life so much. We grew up together, and then one day She's. Just. Gone.
I want to be gone too, sometimes. I'm not hurting all the time. But when I do hurt, I hurt bad. It hurts to hear my heart beating. It physically hurts to have a "simple" act, such as my heart pounding, happen when I know Lena's isn't pounding, and when I know He's too far away to hear my heart pound too. Sometimes. I'm. Just. Sad.
